Living in a lie...

Been trying to turn my thoughts into words lately. Ghost of the past haunts me from time to time during my sleep. We all have skeletons in our closets, though sometimes it becomes too big to hide. Some get a bigger closet, some hide themselves under their blankets wishing it never happened while others take them out and display them as decoration.There are times when its better to live in a lie than the truth. Knowing something isn't necessary all that beneficial. Have you ever felt suppressed by the truth you are hiding, shivering uncontrollably, waiting to tell someone about it. The need to relief yourself of the pressure of being the only one who knows.

Sometimes i wished i had amnesia, things would be so much easier if i could just forget everything...

Of status and power

The weak kneels and bows before the powerful. Survival of the fittest, that's how this materialistic world runs. An invisible hierarchy, a system that keeps the weak in check while the strong rules. Everybody wants a taste of that power, gluttony in its own individual way. Money, sex and status, the very things that empowers every individual. Gracefully pouncing on top of the human food chain; it has been like this for thousands of years. Seriously, what a fucked up way of life......

Life is like a boat....

"Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along
Who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on comin' and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day"

Constantly fretting over the anonymous, the unknown. The emptiness that never fills even after a filling meal. Looking up to the starless sky night after night, with a lit of a cigarette hoping to see a shooting star. The hopes that temporary fills your never-ending hunger for some miracle to drop down from the heavens and hit you on your head knowing deep down it never will happen; yet, the rich sings "miracles happen when you believe". The poor ever weary in the race of life, so caught up with keeping fill that they missed out the rest in which made them strong.

Can't help but to wonder, what is the purpose of everything? The fight to survive, the fight for status and power, the fight for ideals, the fight for beliefs; yet what is the point of everything in the end? A short span of life, twirling about reality. The weak calls it fate or destiny while the strong says its pure determination. A society of mix-beliefs and endless thoughts, sometimes i need a little break and that simple little thing...*secret

I really need that tea and that "me" moment by the window staring into rain......hmmmm perhaps.

Like A Mary-Go-Round...

Walking along the ever chaotic people filled pavement down that busy street of some unknown district in a well-known city; i find my presence inevitably in the unknown. They were all laughing, talking about how their day went by in pairs and groups of four. With cars and trucks buzzing hastily by the road, emitting the all so familiar smell of carbon gases. I lit up my cigarette, adjusted the straps of my bag and continued down that long journey in this safe but crazy world.

There is certainly no where like home yet, everyone leaves home for a depending if not fixed period of time everyday. In between that time frame, many characters come into play. Whether your meeting your boss or your colleagues at work or hanging with friends for a drink or a movie. We put up different suits and roles just to fit in the society of whatever that is required. Some call it socializing, others call it adapting; i call it a play. Life is like a play on stage, characters changes with the scenes and the colorful drama-filled ethics. Now, knowing that is it safe to say that we are all alone; deep down inside.

As the day passes by, i find myself disturbingly uncomfortable with the word socializing. Maybe perhaps the quiet, introvert me is the only thing that isn't a suit. Now, i wonder.....

Of Rainbows And Thunderstorms...

Count Your Rainbows,
Not Your Thunderstorms....

That was what she told me when i sighed and waved the white flag. Perhaps this is one of those times when you really want someone to be there with you. Over the clouds and rain, now comes the rainbow beneath the sun. I have something to be a part of now, people whom recognizes me for who i am. Unconditional support from my family on my eureka flows, ideas, dreams and ambition. Things are sure looking good. The long years, days and month spent wondering and searching for a better tomorrow; yet you can't help but to wonder whats next now that your on your better tomorrow. 

There is always something missing in the end, nothings ever perfect. A silly thought down that ever growing spiral of more years to grow old. I think somehow i want to have someone to count rainbows with. If everyone in this world is like a piece of a puzzle that fits in twos, then i would just be the odd one out. Recounting past experiences on my adventure into the pairs, fate couldn't be any meaner.

Now that Jun has finally left beyond physical reach; i spent my days venturing virtual fantasy worlds fighting monsters forming bonds and friendships. Things that clearly doesn't exist in the real world. Falling back down to reality every morning, recalling the nights before. I feel lonely nevertheless. Though im glad i have families to hang out with, laugh with and chat with. Ones that would help me pull through my loneliest moments.

Counting stars, gazing moons. I try hard to occupy my time so that i dwell not on silly things. Somehow or rather, i still have nights when i can't sleep and still some of that little silly time to spare..........

Goodbye My Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images, no

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Knights Of The Round Table

Recently, I realized just how I was pondering about many things. Having left the council entirely, I finally got myself some alone time. To think about stuff, do some soul searching and I realized just how scared I was, let alone lonely. Perhaps because my greatest and possibly the only friend I ever truly loved and cherished is leaving to a very faraway place over the other side of the world. 

I still remembered how that boy with short messy hair and all so quiet personality came into my life. We used to take our rides around the neighborhood streets, checking out houses, the big and the small. Telling each other just how we will own one of those in the future. Feeling the wind in our hair, we exchanged talks of our dreams; what we wanted to do with our lives. We would then stop by a nearby playground, sitting on the swings. He would listen attentively to my stories like a little kid. Our laughter, tears and little arguments and the usual wrestling sessions spawned a friendship I never thought mattered so much in my life. 

I can't seem to tell him just how much I am going to miss him and just how much I didn't want him to go. Feelings like these were always hard to speak out; at least for me. As the day for his departure drew ever closer, I felt my fears and sadness grew ever stronger. I never really had friends, or even excel at making them. Yet, he came like it was meant to be.

Remember that night? You were crying alone, standing in the middle of the street. I was there, I took you in my arms and told you I understood. Perhaps now its my turn to cry. Would you hold me in your arms like I did too? Mr. Lee Jun Yang, I really am going to miss you.....

I Tried To Smile....

Like paper mask in masquerade, people hide their faces so that the world will never find them. Their anger, jealousy, happiness or sadness. What are they really feeling deep down inside? Looks like nothing happened between you and I; we still that far away from each other.  Yet, I'm sad but not because of you rather of something else. I once told them, "This isn't about me, neither is it about you. This talent or whatever brains you have don't belong to just you anymore." There are bigger things to think about, to worry about. Everyone are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, when you put them all together you get the big picture;  a complete picture. Still, your ego took over, the desire for power, status and authority. The very things in which inspired gluttony. Between wisdom and smartness you may have very well chosen stupidity....... 

A little love topped with uncertainity.

I waited for the lift, watching as it hit the floors one by one; it has got to be the worst lift system ever. As the crowd gathered even more, readying themselves for classes. Talks of incomplete and forgotten assignments reverberated throughout the lobby floor. I looked around and their faces definately complimented it; there was guilt. Looking down and away most of them were, while others frowned their lips; the universal micro-expression of disbelief or some certain un-satisfaction. Others gave side smirks that vanished quicker than a fraction of a second, in contrary to what they were saying. I can't help but to see more and more of what their body is trying to say despite words that came out through their lips; ultimately i see the truth.

I found myself lost in trance, studying their expressions and the movement of their eyebrows and it was then when the lift door sprung open. It was just like any other day, i was running late for class. Staring at the buttons, hesitating if i should skip this round and submit to temptation. Then, you walked in. You smiled, with that innocent looking eyes. "Which floor?" i asked. You responded softly with a slight embarrassment that you were desperately trying so hard to hide. I smiled too, trying not to look. Though i have to admit, you caught my attention.

You were carrying loads of stuff, "an arts student i suppose". The sketch book that you were holding supported my theory even more. I remembered, we exited the lift on the 6th. Watching as you clumsily opened the door to your class just a few steps away. My heart was telling me to help, but i couldn't. For the first time in my life i was filling the tingle in my shy bone. Suffice to say, i turned and headed for the stairs.

After class, i saw you again on my way for lunch. You smiled again, I smiled too. My mind was blank, staring at you while you passed along that narrow pavement. You were this close to me. My heart was racing, pumping as hard as it could and I knew I was that a little into you. I wanted to say hi, wanted to call out to you. Yet again, I found myself at and inability to do so; I was afraid. Like a little kid who stared blankly at the lollipop or that action figure from outside the shop's window with glittering eyes.

As you disappeared slowly from view, disappointment slowly crept in. I tried hard not to think about it, "It's just another day after all..." I told myself. Yet, no matter how hard I to tried to fill my mind with other things, your presence stayed nevertheless. I was thinking about you. When i thought about my work, i thought about you instead. When i thought about food, i thought about having them with you. When i thought about anything else, you just seemed to be there; in my head.

The day went by quickly, almost meaningless until i realized my usual facebook routine back home ain't the same anymore. At least not today. You added me on Facebook. Questions started flooding my mind. How? Why? When? My thoughts like a crowded pub, i can't think right. So whats going to happen next i wonder? Im really not sure, but one things for certain. I really do like you.....

Back on Track

We spend most of our lives thinking and planning alternatives to be free from what the society calls the Rat Race. Time, Place and People are the three key elements to success in whatever we plan or want to do. I've been searching and waiting for the right people and the right time, perhaps my efforts finally paid off. This may just be the start of something new, the start of my dream. I am back on track.....

The Fall of Student Council

I've spent countless nights drawing out potential strategies on mahjong papers only to find my efforts futile. What was it that i was holding on to, despite knowing that it was inevitable? Of politics and the onsets of seemingly never ending obstacles, I manage to muster a team of unique individuals called the Innovators. 6 months went like a breeze, fought countless battles; opting for a change, a new system. Something people could remember us by. As the days passed like rain in the mountains, so did our team, they left one after another. The very thing that complimented their fall and challenged their belief is now doing the very same to me.

Jun called me earlier today, warning me that we may be focusing on something meaningless; I agreed without a doubt. Yet, I'm still not ready to give up. It may be a waste of time, true. However, giving up now means i have REALLY wasted all the time i've spent on Student Council. I gave up on many things throughout my life, mostly during times when its the hardest and offers no return. If I give up now, it would be the same for me all over again. Its something that I'm willing to fight for, something I'm willing to hold on to. I got to finish what I started.....i have to.

Tomorrow's always a mystery, that's why its worth fighting for. Don't you think so?

Afraid...

Cars and trucks moved along their lanes, busily heading towards their destination. As i gazed by the side window, i saw a star filled night sky. Such beauty, constellations seemed to be smiling at me. I smiled too, as if i just found a new friend. A few cigarettes later, thoughts a thousand miles away. I asked myself, "hey, where am i going? Of course home, but what about my journey in life?" i wasn't exactly sure why, but it felt as if someone added weights on my back the moment i passed the border between nowhere and home.

The smell of the not so fresh air accompanied by the slight chills of the night. I remembered many things, my mind's a freaking cinema. There is just so much i wanted to do, the things i dreamed of; left forgotten in some forsaken corner of my mind. Followed by countless thoughts of what if's, leading my mind to a complete cease; blanks. The pain and the tears, moments not worth remembering, memories that haunted and the bogey man from my childhood. When will i be able to let them go?

I wanna grow up now, take up responsibilities, paint my life with the amazing colors of my choice. To be the artist and author of both my dreams and my story. A day many years down that road in some well lived future, a story for the generations to tell. A name to be remembered throughout the ages. My mom used to tell me the visions and dreams she had about me before my birth. The mystery to my purpose of existence in this world. They all but point to something more than just the ordinary. Yet look at me now? The ordinary.

Perhaps i am afraid of the things that lies ahead or afraid of what i may not or can never become. Fears of not being able to be as my future foretold. Ironically, i never truly believed in such things. Explains the uncertainty inside me. When there is nothing to believe in and nothing to hope for. Yes, i am afraid...afraid to move on.....

An Escape...

A little about a week a few hundred miles away from home, i was certain i could find myself some answers. Away from all those that i fear, hated and regretted, i pulled myself  away from that endless spiral into madness and got back into sanity; a temporary one for the very least. The beers and alcohol, beauty and the ugly, music and the pollution of pleasures reminded me just how far i am from the things i really want. i'm lost, what am i doing here? Why am i here? What is it that i desire most?

Yet somehow i am enjoying the tingles and chills of thrill you get when you find yourself in a place unknown. A place where everyone seems a stranger to everyone. i know, but maybe because i also know that sometimes being lost is just so close to being found. I have alot on my mind, i havent yet found what i came looking for but for now.... i sure miss home....

I can't feel your craziness...

There were moments when i looked you in the eyes and said, "hey you know what, i want that." After that, its just "Fuck that". More and more i feel that life isn't how or what it seems to be; its tempting and filled with many distractions. Sitting by the screen, surrounded by teenagers spamming their life away with every key they pressed or clicks they hit with their fingers on keyboards and mouse. I can't help but to think, "Is this all they do? Thats it?". I don't know about them, but i do know i that i want something more in my life. Something in which i be able to tell the future kids about; something in which people would be able to read about; something about me.

The voices in my head became somewhat unclear and saturated these few days. Something is obstructing my eureka flow. I need to focus somehow.....

The clouds over the rainbow.

I don't know why, but i'm still in love with you. I try again and again to have hope, even though i knew i would end up the same every time, angry and sad; yet i still persisted. Perhaps i am waiting for the day, i finally be able to let you go, though i never got you in the first place. If you can't help me to feel any better, then help me to get worst, to a point where i can't feel anything anymore.

Without a Word

I shouldn’t have done that,
I should have pretended not to know
like I didn’t see it, like I couldn’t see it
I shouldn’t have looked at you in the first place
I should have ran away
I should have pretended I wasn’t listening
like I didn’t hear it, like I couldn’t hear it
I shouldn’t have heard your love in the first place
Without a word, you made me know what love is
Without a word, you gave me your love
Made me fill myself with your every breath
Then you ran away
Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love abandons me
Wondering what to say next
It came without a word
Why does it hurt so much?
Why does it hurt continuously?
Except for the fact that I can’t see you anymore, and that you’re not here anymore
otherwise, it’ll be just the same like before
Without a word, you made me know what love is
Without a word, you gave me your love
Then you ran away
Without a word, love leaves me
Without a word, love abandons me
Wondering what to say next
Without a word, tears starts falling down
Without a word, my heart is broken
Without a word, I waited for love
Without a word, love hurts me

Starlight

In the distance light years from tomorrow
Far beyond yesterday
She is watching, heart aching with sorrow
She is broken, as she waits
Hoping when all is said and done we learn to love and be as one

Oh Starlight, don’t you cry we're gonna make it right before tomorrow
Oh Starlight, don’t you cry we’re gonna find a place where we belong
And so you know, you’ll never shine alone

There are shadows sleeping on the horizon
Leave us scared and so afraid
As the fallout of a world divided
It brings her tears and so much pain
So we take cover from the dark
Hoping to find where we can start

Oh Starlight, don’t you cry we're gonna make it right before tomorrow
Oh Starlight, don’t you cry we’re gonna find a place where we belong
And so you know, you’ll never shine alone
Starlight we’ll find a place where we belong

You will see as the mountains fall and turn to dust
And there’s one thing that won’t change
I believe there is something within each of us that always stays
That will always remain as long as love never fades

Oh Starlight, don’t you cry we're gonna make it right before tomorrow
Oh Starlight, don’t you cry we’re gonna find a place where we belong
And so you know, you’ll never shine alone
Starlight we’ll find a place where we belong

She is watching, heart aching with sorrow
She is broken, as she waits

i hate you

I still remembered the first time you smiled at me; how we eventually got to know each other. You were hiding it, i know and i didn't cared. Every time you smiled, when you took a cigarette, i cant help but to find myself looking at you. I knew about your insecurities, the things you were afraid of. I know those were the things i can never really say i understood or accepted them; but i can say i am willing to be there for you when you need me. When your demons are a little too frightening, i can be there. When your thoughts flood, i will be there. When your angry, sad or bored i wanna be there. I'll be there till the stars don't shine, till the heavens burst and words don't rhyme.

All i ever wanted was to be that someone to you, that someone whom you will think about from time to time. That little someone who mattered even for the very least. When you said you needed time alone, i told you i understood. When you told me you were avoiding me, i said the same thing. When you told me you don't want to be that close to me anymore, i told you i know and that i understood it too or perhaps i didn't, but i pretended to anyways. I never expected anything from you, looking at you, standing by your side; it was already enough for me.

It hurts now, knowing that you loved me too and how it has already come to past. I wish i could say i understand, but i can't. No matter how hard i try i just can't anymore. You were always like that, never consider or cared about the feelings of others. You were always too deep within your own thoughts that you neglect those around you. You always thought that nobody can handle the things you have in your mind, but the truth is, nobody can and they don't care too. Im in love with YOU not your thoughts....if anything else mattered, it was only you.

I really do hate you for doing that. Why? Why can't you just let me live in my own fantasy and remain that way? At least, it was easier to love you from the side, help you get up when you fall. Smile when you smile. It was really enough for me..... really.....i love and hate you too.