Friday, June 23, 2017

Memories

Memories can be vile repulsive little things, like children. Memories are what our reasons are based upon. There is no sanity clause. One moment they can be soft and sweet like cotton candy; reminiscent years filled with rainbows and unicorns.

Thoughts, feelings, and memories flashed by like neon lights, that's when it slowly starts to show itself. Feelings of longing and regret, bittersweet some might say; then it starts turning foul and rots away. Leaving you with that nauseous sour aftertaste.

Suddenly, you find yourself drowning, desperately gasping for air. Surrounded by the ocean of your own predicament. Then, you find yourself down in that cold yet familiar dark corner; nothing but solid concrete walls; you see nothing, nothing, but darkness and black. Lonely, so lonely, you taste fear and despair intertwining in a melodic embrace.

 That's when you hear it, the whispers; cold as ice, like snowflakes desperately clinging on to the winter's chill. The whispers get louder and louder, like a broken stereo. You tried screaming at the top of your lungs, hoping to drown out the voices. Just when the screaming becomes unbearable you realized that, there, right in front of you, a light of sickly green. Right under it is a door, an emergency exit. Madness is that emergency exit. There are many who traveled so far down that train of thought, heading down places in the past and found the rabbit hole.

There is no going back once you jumped. Many took the emergency exit as they found it hard to come to terms with the horrors that lay within. Things that were and things that were meant to be. Most importantly they found themselves, their true self. Unable to face such a truth they sped towards the exit. Yet, there are some who endured and survived. They've reached the end and came back from that spiraling hole of pure malice and hate, and they came back...a very different person.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

8000 miles away


8000 miles away from the place where everyone is family. You hear the young calling the elders ‘Uncle’ and ‘Aunty’ even though they may not be related by blood. It is the only place where you can find 4 different languages in a single sentence. For e.g. ‘Wei macha, you want to makan here or tapau?’ In literal translation it means, ‘Hey friend, do you want to dine in or take away?’

A place that grooms multilinguist, you will pick up a language or two when growing up in a country rich in racial diversity. From Malay to English to Chinese and the 3 other different Chinese dialects that come with it, Hokkien, Cantonese, and Hakka.

I am far away from a place I called home.

Goodbye was always the hardest. I know it so when I was walking down that path towards the unknown. Everybody was there, right behind me, waving and trying their best they could to catch the last few glimpse of someone dear. With every step I take, my feet feels heavier. Like sloshing through thick mud; not because I'm wearing but because I know that with every step I take, I'm not just taking a step closer to my dreams but theirs in mine.

The everlasting rain and wet pavements brought about chills and reminded me of how far away I am from home. I am afraid, riddled with fear and loneliness. Yet I do not know if I have the strength and courage to continue the journey forth. I guess no one can truly know how strong they are until they break.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Take Care Now

You said we be fine, and then I left.
We said our goodbyes, we’ve crossed that line.
Four long years, four good years,
It was your smile that took my heart,
But now it’s one that brought me tears.   
I’ve watched you smiled, watched you frown.
Yet I can’t bear to watch you cry.
Take care now, my almost lover,
Take care now, my only friend.
The things you and I should have been.
The things you and I could never be.
You said you’ve won, but now you’re gone.
Took my soul and rocked my world,
I guess it’s true, I loved you.
Take care now, my almost lover,
Take care now, my dearest friend.
The things you and I could have been.
The things you and I could never be.
And like the waves you came, and I took the blame.

But I loved you and you know it’s true. 

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Been Awhile...

How long has it been? It has definitely been awhile. Many things have happened over the past two years; there were many turn of events. Like a traveler walking steadily along that road that seems to stretch longer with my every step. Like how seasons changed, I been broken down and I got my head out of the clouds. I don't talk so loud and walk so proud anymore. It feels as though my flesh is slowly being scraped away from my bones.  

Everyone that enters your life are inevitably going to leave someday and it is usually hard to come to terms with whether or not they walk away dead or alive. What really matters are they things they leave behind when they do; memories. No matter good or bad, such are what i consider to be the most precious and beautiful. Memories gives existence its value; taking a little stroll down memory lane helped me realized just how much I've have lived. The one thing that makes me feel alive, the very thing that proves my existence. 

It was then I came to learn to appreciate every individual that enters my life. Although, it is not always you meet people but when you do, many would leave as soon as they enter while some very few actually chose to stay. No matter the duration, throughout the entirety of their stay I was able to give existence its meaning. Yes, I've made friends. 

I hope that I've brought joy to their lives like how they have brought joy to mine. Like the leafs that fall from branches in the face of the autumn wind; like all things that have a beginning must have an end. Before the day comes when we eventually go our separate ways, at the end of our little journey, before our many partings. I am happy that we got to share a journey together at some point, braced hardships and bonds that we've forged through tears and joy. I thank you, my friends, for the fellowships we have made and the problems of mine in which you have so patiently endured.

Our memories, I swear, will be etched deeply on the walls of my heart where it shall remain for as long as it beats. We will always be friends, no matter where we end up in the future. No matter where we are, you must know that I will always be there; in your hearts and you here in mine. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

What i want.


Listening to melodies that makes your heart sway, i find myself in a roundabout, twisting and turning along that familiar Mary- go- round. I don't blame you, really. A new phase in life is about to begin. Stars watch as i waste what youth i have left. Twirling about waiting for an answer to perhaps conveniently appear out of some misplaced sense of coincidence. Some call it stupidity, others wisdom though im not entirely sure myself. I want an adventure, i want a journey. I want you here by my side as we course through the vast seemingly endless ocean together. I want a life filled with surprises, things i can be apart of and be remembered. Where are you?

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Dreamed a little Dream...

The days passed on rather quickly, in just a blink of an eye we are almost through with the month of May. It was not until recently that I noticed my last post was in fact back in February. It can only prove just how lazy I've become. I think I may have lost track of time; I cant seem to remember the last time I left myself back in that small dark corner, dreaming away and still is. Stars wheeled above me even if it was day, my mind somewhere else; a thousand and one miles away.

Nothing ever seemed right, the days passed on with busy people out in that open world while I locked myself up in solitary confinement back at home. As the sun sets, at times i would then venture out in the night seeking to kill those active brain cells, drowning them with over dosage of virtual reality. Im "introvert-ing". It was not until recently that I find my ability to converse with another human being has somehow declined. Its almost like my communication capabilities have gone back to stone-age; like a cave-men.

"I have a certain hunger within me that has been growing little by little. I yearn for it, I crave for it. Day and night, it fools my thoughts. Logic is becoming illogical....."

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The sinking ship

Another storm is brewing. Its the calm before the storm. Throughout my life, i find myself anticipating what that is about to happen. Yet, somehow I am not feeling happy but a little sad. The stuff that i wished became possible, now imminent. I have been trying hard over the past few days to avoid or rather not to accept the truth. The fatherly figure that never existed in my childhood, the one I never thought i actually cared about; I finally felt something.

Im not sure if i am able to fully comprehend the changes that are to come forth in the coming months. Perhaps im not really that strong a person i believed myself to be. I used to blame him for the empty memories he left me, the mishaps in our family chronicles. Now, im not really sure if it mattered anymore. The weights on my shoulders just got heavier. Cigarettes ain't helping, not even the games i enjoyed.

Back in my room, back in that little corner of my mind tonight. Im getting that feeling again, the feeling that i don't ever want to wake up; just like 6 years ago. I want an escape, possibly another slumber. Even though i know very well more than anybody else that someday, that dream will end too. My mind's a mess. So many questions that needs answering. What would you do if you find yourself on a ship that's been sinking since 20 years ago and that its finally about to disappear beneath the cold hard undercurrent of the mighty ocean? I'm tired of holding on yet i know giving up isn't an option. Someone tell me, what the fuck should i do?