The sinking ship

Another storm is brewing. Its the calm before the storm. Throughout my life, i find myself anticipating what that is about to happen. Yet, somehow I am not feeling happy but a little sad. The stuff that i wished became possible, now imminent. I have been trying hard over the past few days to avoid or rather not to accept the truth. The fatherly figure that never existed in my childhood, the one I never thought i actually cared about; I finally felt something.

Im not sure if i am able to fully comprehend the changes that are to come forth in the coming months. Perhaps im not really that strong a person i believed myself to be. I used to blame him for the empty memories he left me, the mishaps in our family chronicles. Now, im not really sure if it mattered anymore. The weights on my shoulders just got heavier. Cigarettes ain't helping, not even the games i enjoyed.

Back in my room, back in that little corner of my mind tonight. Im getting that feeling again, the feeling that i don't ever want to wake up; just like 6 years ago. I want an escape, possibly another slumber. Even though i know very well more than anybody else that someday, that dream will end too. My mind's a mess. So many questions that needs answering. What would you do if you find yourself on a ship that's been sinking since 20 years ago and that its finally about to disappear beneath the cold hard undercurrent of the mighty ocean? I'm tired of holding on yet i know giving up isn't an option. Someone tell me, what the fuck should i do?

How i've wondered...

I've been rather tedious over tasks lately. Perhaps maybe due to the onset of Chinese New Year. Hundreds of people lined up over counters in supermarkets, convenience stores to pay for the goods and whatever they thought was best priced. The discounts and marketing gimmicks no doubt attracted a lot of attention, people buying what they don't need is one very good example. Seeing a new year coming at hand. Come to think of it, i never really had the chance to say goodbye to 2011. Time flies, i would say but nevertheless i had a wonderful year.

Jun came back for Christmas, did as many things we thought of doing as best as we could. Trying to maximize the limited time he had before he went back to Sunderland to continue his studies. The Broga hill climb was one of the most significant things we managed to do, not forgetting the delicious food we ate along the way throughout his holiday. Now his back there and I'm back to where i was, good times always pass so quickly. I do regret not being able to give him a hug before he left though.

2012 seems promising as of late, the year started out pretty well. Made some new friends over the first week of my new semester. I can't say much but i do enjoy the company somehow. I wonder what or how the rest of the year would turn out as the journey goes....

Living in a lie...

Been trying to turn my thoughts into words lately. Ghost of the past haunts me from time to time during my sleep. We all have skeletons in our closets, though sometimes it becomes too big to hide. Some get a bigger closet, some hide themselves under their blankets wishing it never happened while others take them out and display them as decoration.There are times when its better to live in a lie than the truth. Knowing something isn't necessary all that beneficial. Have you ever felt suppressed by the truth you are hiding, shivering uncontrollably, waiting to tell someone about it. The need to relief yourself of the pressure of being the only one who knows.

Sometimes i wished i had amnesia, things would be so much easier if i could just forget everything...

Of status and power

The weak kneels and bows before the powerful. Survival of the fittest, that's how this materialistic world runs. An invisible hierarchy, a system that keeps the weak in check while the strong rules. Everybody wants a taste of that power, gluttony in its own individual way. Money, sex and status, the very things that empowers every individual. Gracefully pouncing on top of the human food chain; it has been like this for thousands of years. Seriously, what a fucked up way of life......

Life is like a boat....

"Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along
Who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on comin' and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day"

Constantly fretting over the anonymous, the unknown. The emptiness that never fills even after a filling meal. Looking up to the starless sky night after night, with a lit of a cigarette hoping to see a shooting star. The hopes that temporary fills your never-ending hunger for some miracle to drop down from the heavens and hit you on your head knowing deep down it never will happen; yet, the rich sings "miracles happen when you believe". The poor ever weary in the race of life, so caught up with keeping fill that they missed out the rest in which made them strong.

Can't help but to wonder, what is the purpose of everything? The fight to survive, the fight for status and power, the fight for ideals, the fight for beliefs; yet what is the point of everything in the end? A short span of life, twirling about reality. The weak calls it fate or destiny while the strong says its pure determination. A society of mix-beliefs and endless thoughts, sometimes i need a little break and that simple little thing...*secret

I really need that tea and that "me" moment by the window staring into rain......hmmmm perhaps.

Like A Mary-Go-Round...

Walking along the ever chaotic people filled pavement down that busy street of some unknown district in a well-known city; i find my presence inevitably in the unknown. They were all laughing, talking about how their day went by in pairs and groups of four. With cars and trucks buzzing hastily by the road, emitting the all so familiar smell of carbon gases. I lit up my cigarette, adjusted the straps of my bag and continued down that long journey in this safe but crazy world.

There is certainly no where like home yet, everyone leaves home for a depending if not fixed period of time everyday. In between that time frame, many characters come into play. Whether your meeting your boss or your colleagues at work or hanging with friends for a drink or a movie. We put up different suits and roles just to fit in the society of whatever that is required. Some call it socializing, others call it adapting; i call it a play. Life is like a play on stage, characters changes with the scenes and the colorful drama-filled ethics. Now, knowing that is it safe to say that we are all alone; deep down inside.

As the day passes by, i find myself disturbingly uncomfortable with the word socializing. Maybe perhaps the quiet, introvert me is the only thing that isn't a suit. Now, i wonder.....

Of Rainbows And Thunderstorms...

Count Your Rainbows,
Not Your Thunderstorms....

That was what she told me when i sighed and waved the white flag. Perhaps this is one of those times when you really want someone to be there with you. Over the clouds and rain, now comes the rainbow beneath the sun. I have something to be a part of now, people whom recognizes me for who i am. Unconditional support from my family on my eureka flows, ideas, dreams and ambition. Things are sure looking good. The long years, days and month spent wondering and searching for a better tomorrow; yet you can't help but to wonder whats next now that your on your better tomorrow. 

There is always something missing in the end, nothings ever perfect. A silly thought down that ever growing spiral of more years to grow old. I think somehow i want to have someone to count rainbows with. If everyone in this world is like a piece of a puzzle that fits in twos, then i would just be the odd one out. Recounting past experiences on my adventure into the pairs, fate couldn't be any meaner.

Now that Jun has finally left beyond physical reach; i spent my days venturing virtual fantasy worlds fighting monsters forming bonds and friendships. Things that clearly doesn't exist in the real world. Falling back down to reality every morning, recalling the nights before. I feel lonely nevertheless. Though im glad i have families to hang out with, laugh with and chat with. Ones that would help me pull through my loneliest moments.

Counting stars, gazing moons. I try hard to occupy my time so that i dwell not on silly things. Somehow or rather, i still have nights when i can't sleep and still some of that little silly time to spare..........