i hate you

I still remembered the first time you smiled at me; how we eventually got to know each other. You were hiding it, i know and i didn't cared. Every time you smiled, when you took a cigarette, i cant help but to find myself looking at you. I knew about your insecurities, the things you were afraid of. I know those were the things i can never really say i understood or accepted them; but i can say i am willing to be there for you when you need me. When your demons are a little too frightening, i can be there. When your thoughts flood, i will be there. When your angry, sad or bored i wanna be there. I'll be there till the stars don't shine, till the heavens burst and words don't rhyme.

All i ever wanted was to be that someone to you, that someone whom you will think about from time to time. That little someone who mattered even for the very least. When you said you needed time alone, i told you i understood. When you told me you were avoiding me, i said the same thing. When you told me you don't want to be that close to me anymore, i told you i know and that i understood it too or perhaps i didn't, but i pretended to anyways. I never expected anything from you, looking at you, standing by your side; it was already enough for me.

It hurts now, knowing that you loved me too and how it has already come to past. I wish i could say i understand, but i can't. No matter how hard i try i just can't anymore. You were always like that, never consider or cared about the feelings of others. You were always too deep within your own thoughts that you neglect those around you. You always thought that nobody can handle the things you have in your mind, but the truth is, nobody can and they don't care too. Im in love with YOU not your thoughts....if anything else mattered, it was only you.

I really do hate you for doing that. Why? Why can't you just let me live in my own fantasy and remain that way? At least, it was easier to love you from the side, help you get up when you fall. Smile when you smile. It was really enough for me..... really.....i love and hate you too.

Waiting for the time

Its Christmas, everyone's out having fun. The decoration on the streets, tiny LED bulbs that lit up the night. Love and laughter that comes with it, everyone has someone tightly in their arms tonight. Yet, i sit here wondering, what are you doing this Christmas? Where are you? I told Santa this year that i want you as my present, he just smiled. Your faraway, i know. But every time i look up to the sky, no matter the distance; somehow i feel a little closer to you. Its the same sky, same sun, same moon and stars that we are looking at ain't it?

Its been a few years now, i told myself not to count anymore. I miss you.

Merry Christmas, where ever you are... you are still here in my heart.

Santa's on his way...

Hear the reindeer bells, Santa's getting ready. Socks hanging by the fireplace, what do you want from Santa this year? Everybody's getting ready for the occasion. The golden brown turkey, coleslaw, mash potato. Children screaming over presents and toys, the spirit of Christmas. A time where the close ones gathers if not new bonds are made. I wonder, where will i be this coming Christmas?

The things i need to do.

My body is starting to reject the nicotine im injecting myself with. My lungs feels heavy, i can't breathe properly; i feel dizzy. Perhaps for once i may just be serious about quitting cigarettes.
A few weeks went by now, the elections over. Suffice to say, i won. Im the president now. The path i chose venture; long and hard. Deception would be the key to many things as of such.

I need to get my 2011 to do list done.

I think im wrong... again

I thought i found it, the other one. Yet tonight, i failed. I used my thoughts as a vessel, to be explored. With the intention to offer what i know, it backfired. I went through the conversation countless times, i can't seem to see where i went wrong. Perhaps i can't, maybe not tonight as a lot of things seems to be going on, probably just a little too much even for me to handle. Am i trying too hard? Its not an easy task to find my 108. What is going on? Im questioning myself. More and more, i can't seem to be able to control that thing inside me. Im going to burst, the anger. The countless thoughts that flashes through my mind. Im just not strong or good enough, i admit. Perhaps, i overestimated myself. I want to shout, i want to scream, i want to get out. I failed miserably, with myself, my confidence my plans...

I think im wrong yet again.... someone tell me please.. i need answers....damn it.

The strings that played on stage.

Observed and analyzed, not a tad near accurate. The melody played as the actors performed on stage; the slightest off tune in a single note, something seems wrong. The feelings that creep slowly into your thoughts, a shadow hidden behind every corner. Something's wrong, terribly wrong. Your acting's horrible, so is your song. I need new actors, to move with that beat, dance that jazz and scream those notes. Dance with me, in the music of the night. The music shall caress you, numbing your senses and soon abandon your defenses.

Move your steps into my mambo, slowly into my deception. Enthralled by the way you work, I smiled and smirked. Tell me someday you will be mine and i be yours; your puppet master. I will make and mold you in my image, to perform my script; my wonderful script. The night's still young, come tell me you love the way i lie. My minds not too dark, but no where near light. The queer thoughts that even made me shiver sometimes. I am many; so who am i?

On one; My Tears flow,
On Two; My tongue is sharp,
On Three; My eyes' seen too much.
On four; My heart's torn apart,
On five; My Mind's a Puzzle,
On Six; My Feelings are naught.
On Seven; His just nuts....


Let me out, i want to play; you can't control me yet not forever. Surrender to the power of the music of the night. It fiddles your mind, taunts your emotions and lures you into an eternal slumber. How softly it sounds yet it brings back your haunts. The soul starts to float, awaiting your imagination; let it flow. Let me out, let us out... its been a tad long time. Surrender to the music of the night; set it free, set us free, let it roam, let us roam....

Silence...

Your smile disappeared, i noticed. The way you stared into space, arms folded; something's bothering you yet i can't bring myself to say a word. The lights reflected in your eyes now seem dulled. I wanted to put my arms around your shoulder and tell you that i care, im here. Yet, somehow from the way you positioned yourself even though your just beside me; told me that you don't need it. Over that sharp tingling feeling, i tried to smile. Hoping that probably you will find it a little more comfortable at least, despite the silence, your troubles and the barrier between us. Its clear that we both look for different things and we have literally no topic to talk about. Yet, i still try to pretend we had something to talk about, something to share about, something to laugh about and something to argue about. Although, it has always been silent; im still happy, at least we have something to be silent about.....

You have your world, clearly i'm from a different universe entirely. . . I know....