Its easier to love you from afar.

You always say things. Things that irritate, things that annoy, things that anger, things that hurt. 5 years we have been together, 5 years the wheels of our relationship kept spinning. We have been through a lot, to be honest, coming up to this point is no easy feat. However, lately, it has been such a torment for me. The things of our past keep replaying in my head like a broken record. I find myself constantly checking your online activity to see if you are ok. Weird, I could have just asked you about it, but I cannot seem to bring myself to do it. Somehow right now, it seems easier to love you from afar. I'm happier seeing you live your own life, doing the things that you like and seeing you happy. It would seem that my existence in your life brought about too many expectations, discomfort, and unhappiness. I know I may not be a somebody, but neither am I a nobody. I guess we won't be seeing each other for a long while. Maybe, this is the break that we both need.

Crumbling

Twisted winds blew as I find myself powerless within its current. It has been a rather spectacular year, from the lowest point to the highest peak, I came and I conquered. I lived many lives that could have possibly been me; all playing out simultaneously across a parallel timeline that exists only within my head. Living only fragmented thoughts of myself behind, in one reality I slew dragons while the other I'm a farmer. These fragmented memories cloud my ability to differentiate one from the other. If I should die, it probably wouldn't matter for there are infinite versions of me throughout the infinite realities.

It wasn't until only recently that I've come to realize I have been building my life upon a foundation of sand; to which is crumbling like the sand castle it should.

Your words, they hurt and destroyed my already fragmented soul. For when I look to you for comfort I got piercing arrows to my heart.You told me to pray so I prayed, but not for wealth; rather for your kindness and encouragement. However, I got only your look of disappointment and wrath.

I see the end, but I am delaying the imminent. The longer it lasts the harder it is to let go. However, I feel like I'm nearing the last of my strength to hold on. I can't seem to decide if I should be the one to rattle the snake's nest or be the one that gets bitten.

We barely speak, but when we do its usually because you need help or when we have an argument or when you are unhappy with me about something. The cracks that have long existed within our already crumbling foundation and now the thick walls that have surfaced between us. I am at a crossroad, undecided, sad and confused. You will be who you are, that I have already accepted. Which was why I have decided to change, however, I've realized only recently that I have never been truly happy. Perhaps neither one of us really did belong to each other. Or perhaps, I'm a terrible lover. Either way, I can't seem to see myself in any of your futures. Perhaps, this is really the end.

Memories

Memories can be vile repulsive little things, like children. Memories are what our reasons are based upon. There is no sanity clause. One moment they can be soft and sweet like cotton candy; reminiscent years filled with rainbows and unicorns.

Thoughts, feelings, and memories flashed by like neon lights, that's when it slowly starts to show itself. Feelings of longing and regret, bittersweet some might say; then it starts turning foul and rots away. Leaving you with that nauseous sour aftertaste.

Suddenly, you find yourself drowning, desperately gasping for air. Surrounded by the ocean of your own predicament. Then, you find yourself down in that cold yet familiar dark corner; nothing but solid concrete walls; you see nothing, nothing, but darkness and black. Lonely, so lonely, you taste fear and despair intertwining in a melodic embrace.

 That's when you hear it, the whispers; cold as ice, like snowflakes desperately clinging on to the winter's chill. The whispers get louder and louder, like a broken stereo. You tried screaming at the top of your lungs, hoping to drown out the voices. Just when the screaming becomes unbearable you realized that, there, right in front of you, a light of sickly green. Right under it is a door, an emergency exit. Madness is that emergency exit. There are many who traveled so far down that train of thought, heading down places in the past and found the rabbit hole.

There is no going back once you jumped. Many took the emergency exit as they found it hard to come to terms with the horrors that lay within. Things that were and things that were meant to be. Most importantly they found themselves, their true self. Unable to face such a truth they sped towards the exit. Yet, there are some who endured and survived. They've reached the end and came back from that spiraling hole of pure malice and hate, and they came back...a very different person.

8000 miles away

8000 miles away from the place where everyone is family. You hear the young calling the elders ‘Uncle’ and ‘Aunty’ even though they may not be related by blood. It is the only place where you can find 4 different languages in a single sentence. For e.g. ‘Wei macha, you want to makan here or tapau?’ In literal translation it means, ‘Hey friend, do you want to dine in or take away?’

A place that grooms multilinguist, you will pick up a language or two when growing up in a country rich in racial diversity. From Malay to English to Chinese and the 3 other different Chinese dialects that come with it, Hokkien, Cantonese, and Hakka.

I am far away from a place I called home.

Goodbye was always the hardest. I know it so when I was walking down that path towards the unknown. Everybody was there, right behind me, waving and trying their best they could to catch the last few glimpse of someone dear. With every step I take, my feet feels heavier. Like sloshing through thick mud; not because I'm wearing but because I know that with every step I take, I'm not just taking a step closer to my dreams but theirs in mine.

The everlasting rain and wet pavements brought about chills and reminded me of how far away I am from home. I am afraid, riddled with fear and loneliness. Yet I do not know if I have the strength and courage to continue the journey forth. I guess no one can truly know how strong they are until they break.

Take Care Now

You said we be fine, and then I left.

We said our goodbyes, we’ve crossed that line.

Four long years, four good years,

It was your smile that took my heart,

But now it’s one that brought me tears.   

I’ve watched you smiled, watched you frown.

Yet I can’t bear to watch you cry.

Take care now, my almost lover,

Take care now, my only friend.

The things you and I should have been.

The things you and I could never be.

You said you’ve won, but now you’re gone.

Took my soul and rocked my world,

I guess it’s true, I loved you.

Take care now, my almost lover,

Take care now, my dearest friend.

The things you and I could have been.

The things you and I could never be.

And like the waves you came, and I took the blame.

But I loved you and you know it’s true.