The sinking ship

Another storm is brewing. Its the calm before the storm. Throughout my life, i find myself anticipating what that is about to happen. Yet, somehow I am not feeling happy but a little sad. The stuff that i wished became possible, now imminent. I have been trying hard over the past few days to avoid or rather not to accept the truth. The fatherly figure that never existed in my childhood, the one I never thought i actually cared about; I finally felt something.

Im not sure if i am able to fully comprehend the changes that are to come forth in the coming months. Perhaps im not really that strong a person i believed myself to be. I used to blame him for the empty memories he left me, the mishaps in our family chronicles. Now, im not really sure if it mattered anymore. The weights on my shoulders just got heavier. Cigarettes ain't helping, not even the games i enjoyed.

Back in my room, back in that little corner of my mind tonight. Im getting that feeling again, the feeling that i don't ever want to wake up; just like 6 years ago. I want an escape, possibly another slumber. Even though i know very well more than anybody else that someday, that dream will end too. My mind's a mess. So many questions that needs answering. What would you do if you find yourself on a ship that's been sinking since 20 years ago and that its finally about to disappear beneath the cold hard undercurrent of the mighty ocean? I'm tired of holding on yet i know giving up isn't an option. Someone tell me, what the fuck should i do?