Unraveled

I'm broken, so broken - amidst this world. Yet you laugh, blind to everything
Being as broken as I am, I hold my breath,
And it can't be unraveled, it can no longer be unraveled... Not even the truth.
Breakable; unbreakable - psychotic; unable to go insane
I'll find you, and...

In this shaken, twisted world, I gradually become transparent, unable to be seen.
Please don't bother looking for me; don't stare at me...
I merely don't want to hurt you, inside a world, that came out of someone's imagination.
So please remember me; as vivid as I was.
Infinitely spreading, solitude wraps around me. Memories of times I laughed innocently comes to mind,

And I can't move, can't move, can't move, can't move, can't move, I cannot move!
Unravelling the world

I've changed; I couldn't go back to the way I was.
As the two twines around one another, the both of us will perish away...
Breakable; unbreakable - psychotic; unable to go insane
I can't afford to let you be defiled!

In this shaken, twisted world, I gradually become transparent, unable to be seen.
Please don't bother looking for me; don't stare at me...
In a trap of solitude, someone had set, before the future unravels,
Remember me; as vivid as I was.

Please don't forget me, don't forget me, don't forget me, don't forget me!
Paralyzed by the fact that I've changed,
In a paradise filled with nothing but unrecoverable things,

Please remember me.
Tell me, please tell me...Exactly, who resides within me?


教えて　教えてよ　その仕組みを　僕の中に誰がいるの？ 壊れた　壊れたよ この世界で　君が笑う　何も見えずに 壊れた僕なんてさ　息を止めて ほどけない　もう　ほどけないよ　真実さえ　freeze 壊せる　壊せない　狂える　狂えない あなたを見つけて 揺れた 歪んだ世界 に だんだん 僕は透き通って見えなくなって 見つけないで　僕のことを　見つめないで 誰かが描いた世 界の中で　あなた を 傷つけたくない よ 覚えていて　僕のことを 鮮やかなまま 無限に広がる孤独が始まる　無邪気に笑った記憶が刺さって 動けない　動けない　動けない　動けない　動けない　動けないよ　 変わってしまった　変えられなかった ２つが絡まる　２人が滅びる 壊せる　壊せない　狂える　狂えない あなたを見つけて 揺れた 歪んだ世界 に だんだん 僕は 透き通って見えなくなって 見つけないで　僕のことを　見つめないで 誰かが仕組んだ孤独な罠に　未来がほどけてしまう前に 思い出して　僕のことを　鮮やかなまま 忘れないで　忘れないで　忘れないで　忘れないで 変わってしまったことにparalyze 変えられないことだらけのparadise 覚えていて　僕のことを 教えて　教えて　僕の中に 誰がいるの？

All Mine

All my problems they will run away from you and I see

All the angels sit and stare at you

You are everything but not today

I’m so down and out ’cause

something is wrong without you

When you’re not around

Just shadows and rainfall

Wait till tomorrow

I’ll wait

Just wanna be with you

Only you

Always you

You’re so beautiful to

me It’s true

Amazed by you

I think I’m falling

All my worries they just sleep in late, lying next to you

But I fall to pieces and crumble away

Today nothing works

I’m so down and out

’cause something is wrong without you

When you’re not around

Just shadows and rainfall

Wait till tomorrow

Can’t wait

Just wanna be with you

Only you

Always you

You’re so beautiful to me 
It’s true

Amazed by you

I think I’m falling

Falling with you

Only you

Always you

You’re so beautiful to me 
It’s true

Amazed by you

I know I’m falling

As the days go by, I can't seem to be getting over this pain I thought I could. I miss your smile, your voice, and your smell. My soul's torn apart, not a day goes by that I don't think about you. As I stared into the mirror I can see the remnants of our past, of you, in me. The emptiness that ensued, I can still see your shadows or rather I'm the one in your shadows. But I am not worthy, I tried to forget, I am not that person you loved anymore. I've changed, I am different. Broken. As I stopped in my tracks to wonder, pain caught up with me. Thoughts of death prevailed, if not getting stronger. I'm tired, I want to sleep. Will you dream of me when the time comes?

Its easier to love you from afar.

You always say things. Things that irritate, things that annoy, things that anger, things that hurt. 5 years we have been together, 5 years the wheels of our relationship kept spinning. We have been through a lot, to be honest, coming up to this point is no easy feat. However, lately, it has been such a torment for me. The things of our past keep replaying in my head like a broken record. I find myself constantly checking your online activity to see if you are ok. Weird, I could have just asked you about it, but I cannot seem to bring myself to do it. Somehow right now, it seems easier to love you from afar. I'm happier seeing you live your own life, doing the things that you like and seeing you happy. It would seem that my existence in your life brought about too many expectations, discomfort, and unhappiness. I know I may not be a somebody, but neither am I a nobody. I guess we won't be seeing each other for a long while. Maybe, this is the break that we both need.

Crumbling

Twisted winds blew as I find myself powerless within its current. It has been a rather spectacular year, from the lowest point to the highest peak, I came and I conquered. I lived many lives that could have possibly been me; all playing out simultaneously across a parallel timeline that exists only within my head. Living only fragmented thoughts of myself behind, in one reality I slew dragons while the other I'm a farmer. These fragmented memories cloud my ability to differentiate one from the other. If I should die, it probably wouldn't matter for there are infinite versions of me throughout the infinite realities.

It wasn't until only recently that I've come to realize I have been building my life upon a foundation of sand; to which is crumbling like the sand castle it should.

Your words, they hurt and destroyed my already fragmented soul. For when I look to you for comfort I got piercing arrows to my heart.You told me to pray so I prayed, but not for wealth; rather for your kindness and encouragement. However, I got only your look of disappointment and wrath.

I see the end, but I am delaying the imminent. The longer it lasts the harder it is to let go. However, I feel like I'm nearing the last of my strength to hold on. I can't seem to decide if I should be the one to rattle the snake's nest or be the one that gets bitten.

We barely speak, but when we do its usually because you need help or when we have an argument or when you are unhappy with me about something. The cracks that have long existed within our already crumbling foundation and now the thick walls that have surfaced between us. I am at a crossroad, undecided, sad and confused. You will be who you are, that I have already accepted. Which was why I have decided to change, however, I've realized only recently that I have never been truly happy. Perhaps neither one of us really did belong to each other. Or perhaps, I'm a terrible lover. Either way, I can't seem to see myself in any of your futures. Perhaps, this is really the end.

Memories

Memories can be vile repulsive little things, like children. Memories are what our reasons are based upon. There is no sanity clause. One moment they can be soft and sweet like cotton candy; reminiscent years filled with rainbows and unicorns.

Thoughts, feelings, and memories flashed by like neon lights, that's when it slowly starts to show itself. Feelings of longing and regret, bittersweet some might say; then it starts turning foul and rots away. Leaving you with that nauseous sour aftertaste.

Suddenly, you find yourself drowning, desperately gasping for air. Surrounded by the ocean of your own predicament. Then, you find yourself down in that cold yet familiar dark corner; nothing but solid concrete walls; you see nothing, nothing, but darkness and black. Lonely, so lonely, you taste fear and despair intertwining in a melodic embrace.

 That's when you hear it, the whispers; cold as ice, like snowflakes desperately clinging on to the winter's chill. The whispers get louder and louder, like a broken stereo. You tried screaming at the top of your lungs, hoping to drown out the voices. Just when the screaming becomes unbearable you realized that, there, right in front of you, a light of sickly green. Right under it is a door, an emergency exit. Madness is that emergency exit. There are many who traveled so far down that train of thought, heading down places in the past and found the rabbit hole.

There is no going back once you jumped. Many took the emergency exit as they found it hard to come to terms with the horrors that lay within. Things that were and things that were meant to be. Most importantly they found themselves, their true self. Unable to face such a truth they sped towards the exit. Yet, there are some who endured and survived. They've reached the end and came back from that spiraling hole of pure malice and hate, and they came back...a very different person.

8000 miles away

8000 miles away from the place where everyone is family. You hear the young calling the elders ‘Uncle’ and ‘Aunty’ even though they may not be related by blood. It is the only place where you can find 4 different languages in a single sentence. For e.g. ‘Wei macha, you want to makan here or tapau?’ In literal translation it means, ‘Hey friend, do you want to dine in or take away?’

A place that grooms multilinguist, you will pick up a language or two when growing up in a country rich in racial diversity. From Malay to English to Chinese and the 3 other different Chinese dialects that come with it, Hokkien, Cantonese, and Hakka.

I am far away from a place I called home.

Goodbye was always the hardest. I know it so when I was walking down that path towards the unknown. Everybody was there, right behind me, waving and trying their best they could to catch the last few glimpse of someone dear. With every step I take, my feet feels heavier. Like sloshing through thick mud; not because I'm wearing but because I know that with every step I take, I'm not just taking a step closer to my dreams but theirs in mine.

The everlasting rain and wet pavements brought about chills and reminded me of how far away I am from home. I am afraid, riddled with fear and loneliness. Yet I do not know if I have the strength and courage to continue the journey forth. I guess no one can truly know how strong they are until they break.

Take Care Now

You said we be fine, and then I left.

We said our goodbyes, we’ve crossed that line.

Four long years, four good years,

It was your smile that took my heart,

But now it’s one that brought me tears.   

I’ve watched you smiled, watched you frown.

Yet I can’t bear to watch you cry.

Take care now, my almost lover,

Take care now, my only friend.

The things you and I should have been.

The things you and I could never be.

You said you’ve won, but now you’re gone.

Took my soul and rocked my world,

I guess it’s true, I loved you.

Take care now, my almost lover,

Take care now, my dearest friend.

The things you and I could have been.

The things you and I could never be.

And like the waves you came, and I took the blame.

But I loved you and you know it’s true. 

Been Awhile...

How long has it been? It has definitely been awhile. Many things have happened over the past two years; there were many turn of events. Like a traveler walking steadily along that road that seems to stretch longer with my every step. Like how seasons changed, I been broken down and I got my head out of the clouds. I don't talk so loud and walk so proud anymore. It feels as though my flesh is slowly being scraped away from my bones.  

Everyone that enters your life are inevitably going to leave someday and it is usually hard to come to terms with whether or not they walk away dead or alive. What really matters are they things they leave behind when they do; memories. No matter good or bad, such are what i consider to be the most precious and beautiful. Memories gives existence its value; taking a little stroll down memory lane helped me realized just how much I've have lived. The one thing that makes me feel alive, the very thing that proves my existence. 

It was then I came to learn to appreciate every individual that enters my life. Although, it is not always you meet people but when you do, many would leave as soon as they enter while some very few actually chose to stay. No matter the duration, throughout the entirety of their stay I was able to give existence its meaning. Yes, I've made friends. 

I hope that I've brought joy to their lives like how they have brought joy to mine. Like the leafs that fall from branches in the face of the autumn wind; like all things that have a beginning must have an end. Before the day comes when we eventually go our separate ways, at the end of our little journey, before our many partings. I am happy that we got to share a journey together at some point, braced hardships and bonds that we've forged through tears and joy. I thank you, my friends, for the fellowships we have made and the problems of mine in which you have so patiently endured.

Our memories, I swear, will be etched deeply on the walls of my heart where it shall remain for as long as it beats. We will always be friends, no matter where we end up in the future. No matter where we are, you must know that I will always be there; in your hearts and you here in mine. 

What i want.

Listening to melodies that makes your heart sway, i find myself in a roundabout, twisting and turning along that familiar Mary- go- round. I don't blame you, really. A new phase in life is about to begin. Stars watch as i waste what youth i have left. Twirling about waiting for an answer to perhaps conveniently appear out of some misplaced sense of coincidence. Some call it stupidity, others wisdom though im not entirely sure myself. I want an adventure, i want a journey. I want you here by my side as we course through the vast seemingly endless ocean together. I want a life filled with surprises, things i can be apart of and be remembered. Where are you?

Dreamed a little Dream...

The days passed on rather quickly, in just a blink of an eye we are almost through with the month of May. It was not until recently that I noticed my last post was in fact back in February. It can only prove just how lazy I've become. I think I may have lost track of time; I cant seem to remember the last time I left myself back in that small dark corner, dreaming away and still is. Stars wheeled above me even if it was day, my mind somewhere else; a thousand and one miles away.

Nothing ever seemed right, the days passed on with busy people out in that open world while I locked myself up in solitary confinement back at home. As the sun sets, at times i would then venture out in the night seeking to kill those active brain cells, drowning them with over dosage of virtual reality. Im "introvert-ing". It was not until recently that I find my ability to converse with another human being has somehow declined. Its almost like my communication capabilities have gone back to stone-age; like a cave-men.

"I have a certain hunger within me that has been growing little by little. I yearn for it, I crave for it. Day and night, it fools my thoughts. Logic is becoming illogical....."

The sinking ship

Another storm is brewing. Its the calm before the storm. Throughout my life, i find myself anticipating what that is about to happen. Yet, somehow I am not feeling happy but a little sad. The stuff that i wished became possible, now imminent. I have been trying hard over the past few days to avoid or rather not to accept the truth. The fatherly figure that never existed in my childhood, the one I never thought i actually cared about; I finally felt something.

Im not sure if i am able to fully comprehend the changes that are to come forth in the coming months. Perhaps im not really that strong a person i believed myself to be. I used to blame him for the empty memories he left me, the mishaps in our family chronicles. Now, im not really sure if it mattered anymore. The weights on my shoulders just got heavier. Cigarettes ain't helping, not even the games i enjoyed.

Back in my room, back in that little corner of my mind tonight. Im getting that feeling again, the feeling that i don't ever want to wake up; just like 6 years ago. I want an escape, possibly another slumber. Even though i know very well more than anybody else that someday, that dream will end too. My mind's a mess. So many questions that needs answering. What would you do if you find yourself on a ship that's been sinking since 20 years ago and that its finally about to disappear beneath the cold hard undercurrent of the mighty ocean? I'm tired of holding on yet i know giving up isn't an option. Someone tell me, what the fuck should i do?

How i've wondered...

I've been rather tedious over tasks lately. Perhaps maybe due to the onset of Chinese New Year. Hundreds of people lined up over counters in supermarkets, convenience stores to pay for the goods and whatever they thought was best priced. The discounts and marketing gimmicks no doubt attracted a lot of attention, people buying what they don't need is one very good example. Seeing a new year coming at hand. Come to think of it, i never really had the chance to say goodbye to 2011. Time flies, i would say but nevertheless i had a wonderful year.

Jun came back for Christmas, did as many things we thought of doing as best as we could. Trying to maximize the limited time he had before he went back to Sunderland to continue his studies. The Broga hill climb was one of the most significant things we managed to do, not forgetting the delicious food we ate along the way throughout his holiday. Now his back there and I'm back to where i was, good times always pass so quickly. I do regret not being able to give him a hug before he left though.

2012 seems promising as of late, the year started out pretty well. Made some new friends over the first week of my new semester. I can't say much but i do enjoy the company somehow. I wonder what or how the rest of the year would turn out as the journey goes....

Living in a lie...

Been trying to turn my thoughts into words lately. Ghost of the past haunts me from time to time during my sleep. We all have skeletons in our closets, though sometimes it becomes too big to hide. Some get a bigger closet, some hide themselves under their blankets wishing it never happened while others take them out and display them as decoration.There are times when its better to live in a lie than the truth. Knowing something isn't necessary all that beneficial. Have you ever felt suppressed by the truth you are hiding, shivering uncontrollably, waiting to tell someone about it. The need to relief yourself of the pressure of being the only one who knows.

Sometimes i wished i had amnesia, things would be so much easier if i could just forget everything...

Of status and power

The weak kneels and bows before the powerful. Survival of the fittest, that's how this materialistic world runs. An invisible hierarchy, a system that keeps the weak in check while the strong rules. Everybody wants a taste of that power, gluttony in its own individual way. Money, sex and status, the very things that empowers every individual. Gracefully pouncing on top of the human food chain; it has been like this for thousands of years. Seriously, what a fucked up way of life......

Life is like a boat....

"Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along
Who's gonna comfort me and keep me strong

We are all rowing the boat of fate
The waves keep on comin' and we can't escape
But if we ever get lost on our way
The waves would guide you through another day"

Constantly fretting over the anonymous, the unknown. The emptiness that never fills even after a filling meal. Looking up to the starless sky night after night, with a lit of a cigarette hoping to see a shooting star. The hopes that temporary fills your never-ending hunger for some miracle to drop down from the heavens and hit you on your head knowing deep down it never will happen; yet, the rich sings "miracles happen when you believe". The poor ever weary in the race of life, so caught up with keeping fill that they missed out the rest in which made them strong.

Can't help but to wonder, what is the purpose of everything? The fight to survive, the fight for status and power, the fight for ideals, the fight for beliefs; yet what is the point of everything in the end? A short span of life, twirling about reality. The weak calls it fate or destiny while the strong says its pure determination. A society of mix-beliefs and endless thoughts, sometimes i need a little break and that simple little thing...*secret

I really need that tea and that "me" moment by the window staring into rain......hmmmm perhaps.

Like A Mary-Go-Round...

Walking along the ever chaotic people filled pavement down that busy street of some unknown district in a well-known city; i find my presence inevitably in the unknown. They were all laughing, talking about how their day went by in pairs and groups of four. With cars and trucks buzzing hastily by the road, emitting the all so familiar smell of carbon gases. I lit up my cigarette, adjusted the straps of my bag and continued down that long journey in this safe but crazy world.

There is certainly no where like home yet, everyone leaves home for a depending if not fixed period of time everyday. In between that time frame, many characters come into play. Whether your meeting your boss or your colleagues at work or hanging with friends for a drink or a movie. We put up different suits and roles just to fit in the society of whatever that is required. Some call it socializing, others call it adapting; i call it a play. Life is like a play on stage, characters changes with the scenes and the colorful drama-filled ethics. Now, knowing that is it safe to say that we are all alone; deep down inside.

As the day passes by, i find myself disturbingly uncomfortable with the word socializing. Maybe perhaps the quiet, introvert me is the only thing that isn't a suit. Now, i wonder.....

Of Rainbows And Thunderstorms...

Count Your Rainbows,
Not Your Thunderstorms....

That was what she told me when i sighed and waved the white flag. Perhaps this is one of those times when you really want someone to be there with you. Over the clouds and rain, now comes the rainbow beneath the sun. I have something to be a part of now, people whom recognizes me for who i am. Unconditional support from my family on my eureka flows, ideas, dreams and ambition. Things are sure looking good. The long years, days and month spent wondering and searching for a better tomorrow; yet you can't help but to wonder whats next now that your on your better tomorrow. 

There is always something missing in the end, nothings ever perfect. A silly thought down that ever growing spiral of more years to grow old. I think somehow i want to have someone to count rainbows with. If everyone in this world is like a piece of a puzzle that fits in twos, then i would just be the odd one out. Recounting past experiences on my adventure into the pairs, fate couldn't be any meaner.

Now that Jun has finally left beyond physical reach; i spent my days venturing virtual fantasy worlds fighting monsters forming bonds and friendships. Things that clearly doesn't exist in the real world. Falling back down to reality every morning, recalling the nights before. I feel lonely nevertheless. Though im glad i have families to hang out with, laugh with and chat with. Ones that would help me pull through my loneliest moments.

Counting stars, gazing moons. I try hard to occupy my time so that i dwell not on silly things. Somehow or rather, i still have nights when i can't sleep and still some of that little silly time to spare..........

Goodbye My Almost Lover

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me in the shade
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images, no

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Knights Of The Round Table

Recently, I realized just how I was pondering about many things. Having left the council entirely, I finally got myself some alone time. To think about stuff, do some soul searching and I realized just how scared I was, let alone lonely. Perhaps because my greatest and possibly the only friend I ever truly loved and cherished is leaving to a very faraway place over the other side of the world. 

I still remembered how that boy with short messy hair and all so quiet personality came into my life. We used to take our rides around the neighborhood streets, checking out houses, the big and the small. Telling each other just how we will own one of those in the future. Feeling the wind in our hair, we exchanged talks of our dreams; what we wanted to do with our lives. We would then stop by a nearby playground, sitting on the swings. He would listen attentively to my stories like a little kid. Our laughter, tears and little arguments and the usual wrestling sessions spawned a friendship I never thought mattered so much in my life. 

I can't seem to tell him just how much I am going to miss him and just how much I didn't want him to go. Feelings like these were always hard to speak out; at least for me. As the day for his departure drew ever closer, I felt my fears and sadness grew ever stronger. I never really had friends, or even excel at making them. Yet, he came like it was meant to be.

Remember that night? You were crying alone, standing in the middle of the street. I was there, I took you in my arms and told you I understood. Perhaps now its my turn to cry. Would you hold me in your arms like I did too? Mr. Lee Jun Yang, I really am going to miss you.....